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Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Lost Light: VI

 by A. A. Attanasio





Surface Area of the Soul



   Before the taxi arrived to take me to Hastings Street, Cybilla showed me my room, actually a suite on the second floor at the front of the house. French doors connected three high-ceilinged rooms of fanlights, window nooks and casement seats. Daylight gushed off white walls and among minimalist ebony furniture.

   She had her theater group to attend to, and I sat alone for a while on the edge of a platform bed pondering my life’s astonishing turn.

   I twisted the gold ring on my thumb. Dare I remove it and test again its hypnotic effect? If I called Veterans Affairs with the alchemic ring removed would I hear the telephone voice identify my original medical records and combat history?

   Memory of a more oracular voice stalled me. They are going down always.

   I had heard enough of that. I determined to trust the mysterious therapy of my new employer—and verify her claims.

   Through the bedroom’s large bay window, I watched a taxi slide to the curb. On the ride downtown, I marveled at my emotional lucidity. Or, rather, I sat appalled at how thoroughly my years in combat had traumatized me—and wondered at the efficacy of hypnotic suggestion.

   The Hastings Street jeweler, an elderly gentleman with a distinguished silver goatee and wearing an immaculate midnight blue suit immediately recognized Cybilla’s diamond.

   Before I even showed him her note of sale, he proposed to transfer over three hundred thousand dollars to my bank account. From a shining space behind my eyes, I witnessed this electronic transaction speechless.

   Later, I tried to question him about Cybilla Rayne. But he knew very little, only that she occasionally sold him precious gems of impeccable provenance.

   When I finally presented him with Cybilla’s round business card, he closely read the note on the back, written in mauve ink with her graceful hand and circular signature. Then, he tucked the card in his vest pocket and promptly produced her salvage papers, titles of claim, and tax receipts for Alaskan diamonds, Bolivian emeralds, and Australian opals.

   On the ride back to Inklings, I had the taxi cruise nearby blocks, looking for the compact park where I had met the steampunk crone. I kept widening the search until my flabbergasted mind had to accept that no such park existed in the area.

   Returning to Cybilla’s brick and stucco house, I ambled along the side lane toward the backyard. A tall privet hedge banked the neighbor’s side of the lane, and its stippled shade enclosed me so peacefully I decided to inspect my situation once more. Standing in mosaics of shadow, I gently tugged the plaited ring from my thumb.

   Bituminous feelings smoldered. And I trembled with cold heat at the urgent edge of the moment.

   When I jammed the ring back into place, normalcy flowed again. Shimmering with relief, thoughts zigzagged. So long as I wore the ring, everything felt ordinary. And yet—nothing was ordinary!

   At this moment in my self-narrative, I still thought I knew how the world worked. I would uncover the medical explanation for my recovery. And I’d unravel Cybilla Rayne’s spellbinding secrets. Maybe not only hypnosis. Maybe a hallucinogen. In the tea! And as for the ghost in the park…

   Quite likely, after I had stumbled into Inklings, Cybilla had implanted a false memory, of the park and of Arethusa.

   But why?

   I mulled this over as I continued along the lane. She had paid me an exorbitant sum—for what? To continue using my damaged brain for more of her antics?

   Except … my brain didn’t feel damaged any longer.

   I came to the end of the lane, and the dramatic beauty of the backyard stilled me. A gazebo of dark wood and scarlet lattices centered an oval garden.

   Green Tara’s statue sat serenely in a bed of fawn lilies at one side of the garden. Opposite, a marble of Vishnu’s wife Lakshmi posed among oriental poppies and rhododendron.

   A moon-lit version of the boisterous garden reflected darkly in the tinted sheet glass enclosing the verandah. I peeked in, and when I saw the gallery was empty, I chose to sit outside.

   The lustrous fragrances of the garden led me along a spiral path of smashed quartz to the center.

   From the gazebo, I admired the surrounding blooms and noticed deeper in the yard, beyond a stand of Himalayan birch, a small cottage. Angular as a chapel, the raw wood structure exhibited a bewitching fusion of medieval and ultramodern.

   I stepped to the edge of the gazebo to examine this fairy tale house of Japanese timber construction and ribbon windows. I realized this must be Cybilla’s alchemy lab, where she had fashioned the ring of enigmatic gold.

   Silhouettes of people moved briskly inside. Then, several flamboyant figures emerged from the slant door. Horizontal rays of sun swiveled among the boughs and illuminated a happy bunch of motley revelers as they came prancing through the birches.

   Here was Cybilla’s theater group: I identified Puck in tattered green knee breeches—and Oberon wearing the blossom crown of a fairy king.

   They drew close enough for me to see their gleeful faces, and recognition flashed with electrifying force.

   These were men and women who had died in my care during my time as a medic. I’d seen the light go out in each of their faces, and yet here they were, brighter than ever.

   The absurdity of the moment sat me down hard on the gazebo bench, an unstrung puppet. And I began to weep. Softly at first, then muffled sobs.

   Reality had split into the error of everything I had ever known and this newness. This strangeness. Sugared with impossible joy. And bitter with tragic awareness of our larger reality.

   My crying got the attention of the players. I rose to meet them and wiped my eyes with my palms. The dreamy unreality of what was happening steadied my emotions, and I beckoned them closer so I could speak with them, the lost light of my dead.

   In this life, we did not know each other. Some of the Afghans resided as immigrants, others overseas transfer students, and two Canadians served with units stationed at a nearby base. All were enjoying cultural opportunities in Vancouver and happened to share a weekly theater group that met in Cybilla Rayne’s backyard cottage.

   They chatted briefly with the emotionally florid man in the gazebo, answering a few of my outlandish questions before hurrying on. The war in Afghanistan had never happened. A western alliance repelled the Soviet invasion of 1979, and peace reigned in that rugged, long-suffering country.

   Cybilla, still in her Titania gear, appeared in the doorway to the timber cottage. She waved casually for me to come. Confident I would follow, she turned and disappeared inside.

   My first lesson in alchemy awaited. I wavered, grasping the gnostech ring. An imperative part of me wanted to twist it off my thumb, throw it away, and reclaim my original self.

   But…

   Could I return to my broken brain and a madness that is sane, that makes sense? Or did I really want this extraordinary sanity that is totally mad?

   They fell with Lucifer, the whole way down burning.

   For a long while, I stood in the garden. I just stood there, watching daylight flash through the birches like bright omens. There was no reason to rush. I had all the time in the worlds.











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Archive of Stories
and Authors

Callum Leckie's
THE DIGITAL DECADENT


J.R. Torina's
ANTHROPOPHAGUS


J.R. Torina's
THE HOUSE IN THE PORT


J.R. Torina was DJ for Sonic Slaughter-
house ('90-'97), runs Sutekh Productions
(an industrial-ambient music label) and
Slaughterhouse Records (metal record
label), and was proprietor of The Abyss
(a metal-gothic-industrial c.d. shop in
SLC, now closed). He is the dark force
behind Scapegoat (an ambient-tribal-
noise-experimental unit). THE HOUSE
IN THE PORT is his first publication.

Sean Padlo's
NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW

Sean Padlo's
GRANDPA'S LAST REQUEST

Sean Padlo's exact whereabouts
are never able to be fully
pinned down, but what we
do know about him is laced
with the echoes of legend.
He's already been known
to haunt certain areas of
the landscape, a trick said
to only be possible by being
able to manipulate it from
the future. His presence
among the rest of us here
at the freezine sends shivers
of wonder deep in our solar plexus.


Konstantine Paradias & Edward
Morris's HOW THE GODS KILL


Konstantine Paradias's
SACRI-FEES

Konstantine Paradias is a writer by
choice. At the moment, he's published
over 100 stories in English, Japanese,
Romanian, German, Dutch and
Portuguese and has worked in a free-
lancing capacity for videogames, screen-
plays and anthologies. People tell him
he's got a writing problem but he can,
like, quit whenever he wants, man.
His work has been nominated
for a Pushcart Prize.

Edward Morris's
ONE NIGHT IN MANHATTAN


Edward Morris's
MERCY STREET

Edward Morris is a 2011 nominee for
the Pushcart Prize in literature, has
also been nominated for the 2009
Rhysling Award and the 2005 British
Science Fiction Association Award.
His short stories have been published
over a hundred and twenty times in
four languages, most recently at
PerhihelionSF, the Red Penny Papers'
SUPERPOW! anthology, and The
Magazine of Bizarro Fiction. He lives
and works in Portland as a writer,
editor, spoken word MC and bouncer,
and is also a regular guest author at
the H.P. Lovecraft Film Festival.


Tim Fezz's
BURNT WEENY SANDWICH

Tim Fezz's
MANY SILVERED MOONS AGO

Tim Fezz hails out of the shattered
streets of Philly destroying the air-
waves and people's minds in the
underground with his band OLD
FEZZIWIG. He's been known to
dip his razor quill into his own
blood and pen a twisted tale
every now and again. We are
delighted to have him onboard
the FREEZINE and we hope
you are, too.

Daniel E. Lambert's
DEAD CLOWN AND MAGNET HEAD


Daniel E. Lambert teaches English
at California State University, Los
Angeles and East Los Angeles College.
He also teaches online Literature
courses for Colorado Technical
University. His writing appears
in Silver Apples, Easy Reader,
Other Worlds, Wrapped in Plastic
and The Daily Breeze. His work
also appears in the anthologies
When Words Collide, Flash It,
Daily Flash 2012, Daily Frights
2012, An Island of Egrets and
Timeless Voices. His collection
of poetry and prose, Love and
Other Diversions, is available
through Amazon. He lives in
Southern California with his
wife, poet and author Anhthao Bui.

Phoenix's
AGAIN AND AGAIN

Phoenix has enjoyed writing since he
was a little kid. He finds much import-
ance and truth in creative expression.
Phoenix has written over sixty books,
and has published everything from
novels, to poetry and philosophy.
He hopes to inspire people with his
writing and to ask difficult questions
about our world and the universe.
Phoenix lives in Salt Lake City, Utah,
where he spends much of his time
reading books on science, philosophy,
and literature. He spends a good deal
of his free time writing and working
on new books. The Freezine of Fant-
asy and Science Fiction welcomes him
and his unique, intense vision.
Discover Phoenix's books at his author
page on Amazon. Also check out his blog.

Adam Bolivar's
SERVITORS OF THE
OUTER DARKNESS


Adam Bolivar's
THE DEVIL & SIR
FRANCIS DRAKE



Adam Bolivar's
THE TIME-EATER


Adam Bolivar is an expatriate Bostonian
who has lived in New Orleans and Berkeley,
and currently resides in Portland, Oregon
with his beloved wife and fluffy gray cat
Dahlia. Adam wears round, antique glasses
and has a fondness for hats. His greatest
inspirations include H.P. Lovecraft,
Jack tales and coffee. He has been
a Romantic poet for as long as any-
one can remember, specializing in
the composition of spectral balladry,
utilizing to great effect a traditional
poetic form that taps into the haunted
undercurrents of folklore seldom found
in other forms of writing.
His poetry has appeared on the pages
of such publications as SPECTRAL
REALMS and BLACK WINGS OF
CTHULHU, and a poem of his,
"The Rime of the Eldritch Mariner,"
won the Rhysling Award for long-form
poetry. His collection of weird balladry
and Jack tales, THE LAY OF OLD HEX,
was published by Hippocampus Press in 2017.


Sanford Meschkow's
INEVITABLE

Sanford Meschkow is a retired former
NYer who married a Philly suburban
Main Line girl. Sanford has been pub-
lished in a 1970s issue of AMAZING.
We welcome him here on the FREE-
ZINE of Fantasy and Science Fiction.


Owen R. Powell's
NOETIC VACATIONS

Little is known of the mysterious
Owen R. Powell (oftentimes referred
to as Orp online). That is because he
usually keeps moving. The story
Noetic Vacations marks his first
appearance in the Freezine.

Gene Stewart
(writing as Art Wester)
GROUND PORK


Gene Stewart's
CRYPTID'S LAIR

Gene Stewart is a writer and artist.
He currently lives in the Midwest
American Wilderness where he is
researching tales of mystical realism,
writing ficta mystica, and exploring
the dark by casting a little light into
the shadows. Follow this link to his
website where there are many samples
of his writing and much else; come
explore.

Daniel José Older's
GRAVEYARD WALTZ


Daniel José Older's
THE COLLECTOR


Daniel José Older's spiritually driven,
urban storytelling takes root at the
crossroads of myth and history.
With sardonic, uplifting and often
hilarious prose, Older draws from
his work as an overnight 911 paramedic,
a teaching artist & an antiracist/antisexist
organizer to weave fast-moving, emotionally
engaging plots that speak whispers and
shouts about power and privilege in
modern day New York City. His work
has appeared in the Freezine of Fantasy
and Science Fiction, The ShadowCast
Audio Anthology, The Tide Pool, and
the collection Sunshine/Noir, and is
featured in Sheree Renee Thomas'
Black Pot Mojo Reading Series in Harlem.
When he's not writing, teaching or
riding around in an ambulance,
Daniel can be found performing with
his Brooklyn-based soul quartet
Ghost Star. His blog about the
ridiculous and disturbing world
of EMS can be found here.


Paul Stuart's
SEA?TV!


Paul Stuart is the author of numerous
biographical blurbs written in the third
person. His previously published fiction
appears in The Vault of Punk Horror and
His non-fiction financial pieces can be found
in a shiny, west-coast magazine that features
pictures of expensive homes, as well as images
of women in casual poses and their accessories.
Consider writing him at paul@twilightlane.com,
if you'd like some thing from his garage. In fall
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Pre-Calculus -With Zombies.


Rain Grave's
MAU BAST


Rain Graves is an award winning
author of horror, science fiction and
poetry. She is best known for the 2002
Poetry Collection, The Gossamer Eye
(along with Mark McLaughlin and
David Niall Wilson). Her most
recent book, Barfodder: Poetry
Written in Dark Bars and Questionable
Cafes, has been hailed by Publisher's
Weekly as "Bukowski meets Lovecraft..."
in January of 2009. She lives and
writes in San Francisco, performing
spoken word at events around the
country. 877-DRK-POEM -




Blag Dahlia's
armed to the teeth
with LIPSTICK



BLAG DAHLIA is a Rock Legend.
Singer, Songwriter, producer &
founder of the notorious DWARVES.
He has written two novels, ‘NINA’ and
‘ARMED to the TEETH with LIPSTICK’.


G. Alden Davis's
THE FOLD


G. Alden Davis wrote his first short story
in high school, and received a creative
writing scholarship for the effort. Soon
afterward he discovered that words were
not enough, and left for art school. He was
awarded the Emeritus Fellowship along
with his BFA from Memphis College of Art
in '94, and entered the videogame industry
as a team leader and 3D artist. He has over
25 published games to his credit. Mr. Davis
is a Burningman participant of 14 years,
and he swings a mean sword in the SCA.
He's also the best friend I ever had. He
was taken away from us last year on Jan
25 and I'll never be able to understand why.
Together we were a fantastic duo, the
legendary Grub Bros. Our secret base
exists on a cross-hatched nexus between
the Year of the Dragon and Dark City.
Somewhere along the tectonic fault
lines of our electromagnetic gathering,
shades of us peel off from the coruscating
pillars and are dropped back into the mix.
The phrase "rest in peace" just bugs me.
I'd rather think that Greg Grub's inimitable
spirit somehow continues evolving along
another manifestation of light itself, a
purple shift shall we say into another
phase of our expanding universe. I
ask myself, is it wishful thinking?
Will we really shed our human skin
like a discarded chrysalis and emerge
shimmering on another wavelength
altogether--or even manifest right
here among the rest without their
even beginning to suspect it? Well
people do believe in ghosts, but I
myself have long been suspicious
there can only be one single ghost
and that's all the stars in the universe
shrinking away into a withering heart
glittering and winking at us like
lost diamonds still echoing all their
sad and lonely songs fallen on deaf
eyes and ears blind to their colorful
emanations. My grub brother always
knew better than what the limits
of this old world taught him. We
explored past the outer peripheries
of our comfort zones to awaken
the terror in our minds and keep
us on our toes deep in the forest
in the middle of the night. The owls
led our way and the wilderness
transformed into a sanctuary.
The adventures we shared together
will always remain tattooed on
the pages of my skin. They tell a
story that we began together and
which continues being woven to
this very day. It's the same old
story about how we all were in
this together and how each and
every one of us is also going away
someday and though it will be the far-
thest we can manage to tell our own
tale we may rest assured it will be
continued like one of the old pulp
serials by all our friends which survive
us and manage to continue
the saga whispering in the wind.

Shae Sveniker's
A NEW METAPHYSICAL STUDY
REGARDING THE BEHAVIOR
OF PLANT LIFE


Shae is a poet/artist/student and former
resident of the Salt Pit, UT, currently living
in Simi Valley, CA. His short stories are on
Blogger and his poetry is hosted on Livejournal.


Nigel Strange's
PLASTIC CHILDREN


Nigel Strange lives with his wife and
daughter, cats, and tiny dog-like thing
in their home in California where he
occasionally experiments recreationally
with lucidity. PLASTIC CHILDREN
is his first publication.